Esmeralda

We are in Rye where Esme has taken a new name so it is longer than Maxwell. Dad knows where we are and asks about the great grandchildren. Last time we were away he kept asking where we were. I suggested to Max that since his grandparents were in charge and we wanted to be special to him that he should think about what he would like (doughnut before school, bike riding, etc.) that he does not usually get. He thought for a while and then said that pretty much everything he wanted his parents allowed him to do. Could life get any better than that?

Painting

At 3am I was told to watch out for the fresh paint. Dad had organized the town to paint "The Wandering Hills of Rodman" sign. I was invited to add whatever animals I wanted. Dad said, "Claude Williams was there. Of course he's dead now." But apparently it was a happy affair to work on a community job. He recalled the sign and added details to the dream at breakfast.

After a shower he went outside to sit in the sun. A good day for him so far.

Healthy Again

About 8.5 hours of constant sleep. No physical problems this morning. A clean shave. Two slices of bacon, one fried egg, and toast for breakfast. He then asked me what I was going to do today? I should have realized that it wasn't really a question, but a test. After I told him what I had planned, I then reviewed that he did not have to feel that he had to go out tonight since he had been sick all week, etc. etc. He then said, "Are you finished now with your speech? All I wanted to know was are you going to make meat loaf for supper?" Pat had suggested this idea yesterday and he had been thinking about it.

Health

Dad is still not feeling well. What a difference his appearance of being tired is from the excitement on his face a few days ago. Add a sore throat today. But still some food goes in and some comes out, so everything is working. Pat stayed over last night so I could rest at home. What a difference a good night's sleep makes in one's attitude.

Reactions

After two days with nothing much to eat except some ice cream and bread, he had two bacon slices and a fried egg this morning. The bug seems to be dying out.

He still does not understand/accept that he needs help getting around. He will try to quiet the bell so as not to disturb anyone. Even if he is doing something that may harm himself or is incorrect (sitting without a chair or walking into the front room looking for the bathroom) if he is corrected, no matter how kindly, he will react with strong anger. It is much more difficult for me to cope with that hostility than when he is very dependent. When it feels like I am needed then I remember all that he has done for me and I want to do what I can to help. When he is screaming at me I want to punch him back.

Strong of will

Dad slept most of the day Monday in his chair. He was too weak to walk without help. Only a few pieces of bread were his meals all day. Last night he was awake for about 30 minutes. At 9pm I asked if he wanted to watch the rest of the ball game. "No, I better get to bed. I have to get some rest sometime."

The rest lasted until 10am today with only one wake up at 2. But between 2 and 10 there were three times that about 10 hickups were so loud that they brought me on the run. He was still asleep. We picture this "bug" getting inside and creating a toxic mess whose gases come out somehow. We burped a lot, felt nauseous, were weak and tired.

He could not believe that he had "wasted" so much of the day already.

Changes

Dad enjoyed about 25 people on Sat. He was tired, sometimes short tempered, but as you can see from Rob's photos he got "up" when the party started. Sunday he enjoyed phone calls from all the grandchildren. Then later in the evening, he was sick. Twice. And from then on it was up every hour until about 7am when all was well. He ate a piece of toast. Asked for jam. Washed it down with orange juice and coffee. Today there is no recollection of being up all night, but he is very lethargic and is sleeping often. I was not able to move for two days and still have not fully recovered. Guess he is tougher than the rest of us.

Happy Birthday!

Dad is 95 today. We had about 20 friends come for cake and ice cream. It was enough to tire him out and give him something to talk about.

The highlight was to have the four Merrill's together. Rob, Lincoln, Robert, and Jerry.

Dads will be dads

when Pat finished with the bug, she let me share it. I was up most of the night and when I left at 10am yesterday took to bed until 10am today. Pat said that Dad was worried about me and mentioned my name often, so when I could get my stomach to settle enough to stand up, I called. He was glad to hear from me. They were planning on fried unions for lunch if I wanted to join them. And he advised to stay away from the whiskey. I think I will lie down again.

Plans

Often in the morning Dad relates what he has been dreaming. Usually it is work related and/or planning. This time of year in real time he plans the birthday bash. Even though we have limited it to caregivers and family for cake at 2pm instead of an open house, he still comes up with names to invite.

This morning I read to him that Lake Baikel is 400 miles long, 1 mile deep and holds 20% of the planet's fresh water (about all of the great lakes). He said there was a big dam recently built that probably was making a big lake. I know I am fixed on what he knows and doesn't but did you all know that China built a dam? He then got up and found his suspenders for Friday's night out. They plan to return to Lowville (30 miles). The first since winter started.

I returned to take the Irish picture and he has had Meg find all his black clothes. Who knows what the plan is. Anyway his efforts are supported by Meg and Heather even though I often refuse to participate in the plans.

Dinner

Dad has Friday night out with Brenda. Last night Heather, Andy, and I joined them. Dad insisted that his favorite place on Rt. 3 was open. He saw it in the paper. So after driving to Henderson and finding all his places closed we ended up in Watertown at the Red Lobster. With the walker and help it was difficult to get from the car to the table. We hold the back of his belt to keep his pants up and to be ready if his knees buckle. For old times' sake he got a manhatten. And promptly spilled 1/2 ($3) of it. He doesn't drink more than a swallow of any alcohol. The clam chowder was his choice and there was even a dish left over for today's lunch. He ate 3 strips of bacon, an egg, toast, and jam and then we retired to the studio where we each claimed a window full of sunshine. I paint, draw or read and he keeps me informed or rests. Pat is with him now so I can enjoy the afternoon sun on our porch.

His disposition is much improved the past few weeks. The manners are back.

Mind or Body

We watched the Knicks play until 10:30. Dad would comment on a player about every 20 minutes. The intent was accurate, but the words were not clear. A large breakfast, shave and shower have set him up for a bit of relaxation while he follows what happens to the guy who made off with others savings. He is so clear about some things and then confused about a few others. It is confusing to me. But overall he is quite lucid. It is just that the things he is confused over seem so important to me. Like where is the bathroom. So today the question of which goes first, mind or body, seems to be the body.

Camp

Pat and I went to camp Tues. Dad was thrilled that Brenda was going to spend last night with him. I called when we got to camp. Dad called us in the evening. When I called him this morning to find out if Brenda could cook bacon as well as I, I told him I was taking my coffee and going back to bed to read and look between my toes at the lake. He replied, "Where are you?"

Sleeping

Dad slept most of the day yesterday. Then at pill time he had a difficult time swallowing and one came back up. It was a Tylenol PM which helps sleep. I administered a second which seemed to disappear. But it was about 3:30 this morning before he went to sleep. There was a 1.5 hr. coughing time with some labored breathing. Then up at 6:30 happy as a lark. And he does not recall any of it.

He also does not recall spending about an hour in the middle of the previous night washing. He slightly bends his knees (good tai-chi) and leans both elbows and forearms on the sink. He can not stand that long during the day. After he washed and dried, I powdered him. Then he powdered all over again. It looks like a blizzard on the dark blue bathroom rug.

This is part of the model where he is behaving in ways known to others, but not to him. And recall the brain model. When he throws the pillow that I have offered as comfort instead of reacting the way I often do (tit for tat) I just think it is the pill affecting his brain.

Paradigms

"The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young is about a man experiencing God. Some quotes from the book: "Emotions are the colors of the soul. When you don't feel, the world becomes dull and colorless. Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perceptions.

My way of looking at the brain as a bundle of connections affected by chemicals seems to power the way I feel and respond to Dad. When he swears at me I now just stop and think about some stray electrical impulse or a chemical reaction to something and therefore try not to take it personally.

And the model of knowing self and sharing with others that I mentioned before seems to fit. Sometimes now Dad is not aware of what he is saying or doing and how it may affect others. So I just recall the paradigm and think oh, well, he doesn't know what he's saying.

He went out to dinner with Brenda, Andy, and Heather last night and from all reports did just fine. He got up grumpy this morning, but has been polite all day.

Entertainer

The party was in full swing when I showed up at 6:30pm. Heather has a friend who likes to bake for Dad and encourages his jokes and one liners. He had been sitting in the kitchen entertaining since 3pm. After they left about 7:30 he had a difficult time staying awake until about 11pm. Not much was said during the game.

Pie

Last night Andy Merrill, grandson of Dad's brother, was welcomed as a new Rodman Volunteer Fireman. He was offered a piece of the berry pie that a lady had brought for Dad. He said no thanks, maybe later. Dad was one of the men who borrowed a $1,000 from a local farmer to start the Rodman Fire Dept. When they returned to pay it back, the farmer said forget it. After the meeting Dad again offered the pie, but the meeting had gone a bit longer than expected and Andy again passed on the pie. Dad struggled to his feet to say goodnight. When Andy left Dad went for the pie although he seldom eats anything after supper.

Now what was really going on? How did everyone really feel? Why do people act as they do?

A bit of my history as preamble. The federal government passed the National Defense Education Act which brought 30 of us from around the US together at the Univ. of Rochester to become elementary guidance counselors so we could prevent Communism from taking over the world. Obviously that government bailout worked and we saved the world. Let's hope the current one does also.

So here is one of my working models of interpersonal relationships from those years. Picture a four block area. Across the top is two titles, Not known to self, and Known to self. Down the side is Not know to others, and Known to others. Any relationship has parts of each of the combinations. For example there are things that you are aware of about yourself that others do not know. There are also things about you that others my be aware of that you are not. And I think the goal is to increase the area of behavior that comes from you and I both knowing the same.

So what prompted Dad's behavior? Was he feeling proud and rewarding Andy with the pie? Was he sad because he couldn't be a part of the meeting? And if we could get him to talk about his feelings could we reasonably expect them to be true as we see it? Then who cares and why bother? I think it enriches life to know more. I think the more we know about each other, the more we like, or at least respect, each other. I would like to know why Dad stood to say goodnight and ate a huge piece of pie just before going to bed.

Values

Dad has always been a peacemaker. His not being more forceful about stating his own opinions has kept me wondering. When he was on the board of directors of an insurance company he would grumble about things and yet not speak up. The same personality quality works the other way as well. We had insureds that would come in the office swearing and yelling about their problem. I would want to stand up and fight, but he would calmly tell a joke and they would end up leaving happy. His opinions are often what he thinks someone else wants to hear.

So you can imagine what I know about his spiritual thoughts.

Decisions

We are having ice cream and cake with a few others on Sat. 3/21/09 for about 2 hours for Dad's 95th. which is the next day. He has been unable to decide for himself what to do so we have made plans for him.
He has eaten a large breakfast and a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. During lunch he starts out with, "while we are on the topic of money.." and then proceeds to tell me what the deal is. He still expects paper checks and bills, although income is direct deposit and Pat has most of the bills paid on line. He mentions numbers that are way out of line. "My social security check should be about $150." We have explained that his income pays his bills, but it still seems to be something he thinks about.
His body all works well except that his legs won't hold him up for very long and his brain sometimes slips a gear.

Perceptions

Yesterday Dad awoke at 6 and said his feet were cold. The electric blanket was on and the bed was warm. I put socks on him and he slept until 7:30. Then his left toe was cold. He sat in the chair with a heating pad on his feet, but still complained about the left toe. It felt very hot to me. After walking around a bit and some massage, the toe was forgotten.

Today he mentioned two pieces of greasy iron that were supposedly on the floor when he awoke. He cautioned me to pick them up while getting dressed. Those were the only two times the irons were mentioned.